Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bill Clinton, Hugh Grant, David Letterman, Mel Gibson, Bill Cosby, Frank Gifford, John Edwards, husband of Vanna White, husband of Christie Brinkley, husband of Sandra Bullock …
What do these guys have in common? I mean what do we know? I mean really know about them? Just the facts that we KNOW.
1.) They have all been drawn to another woman while supposedly in a committed relationship with what appears to be a charismatic, attractive, supportive mate.
2.) They were all allegedly “caught” in some way, shape or form of cheating.
3.) Um … that’s it. That’s all we know.
See?
Everything else is an assumption. We draw quick conclusions and most if not all of them seem well-founded, but we don’t KNOW. One of the universal assessments that pops out immediately is the simple conclusion that wealthy, successful men think they are above the rules of society, that they have a special exemption to engage in a different set of laws.
Then, typically, people will extend that and say it is not only successful men, but really all men. We all think that rules of loyalty and dedication can be bent or ignored. “If the opportunity presents itself men are too weak to pass it up. Typical man,” they say.
Well, folks, this is a blog and that means you are welcome to have a voice as well. In the spirit of open debate, I’d like to propose a side to the story that is never considered. I am not defending the accused and I am not taking a position here, but isn’t it only fair to assume that something was going on or NOT going on between these couples that triggered this behavior?
Again let me clarify. I am not making excuses. I am not saying that the wives and mates of these guys deserved to be deceived in any way. I am truly not justifying the behavior, but isn’t it assuming a lot to think that the only reason these guys were out there looking around was simply because they are typical, untrustworthy men? I mean, are we sure that in at least a few of these cases the wife doesn’t bear at least some of the blame?
In my world, I know plenty of men who are divorced that have a side to their own personal dramas that makes them sound more tolerant than self-indulgent. They talk about mates that have taken total control of the marriage and only dispense love and affection when they see fit. Like the guy has just become a necessary cog in the wheel of supporting the house, the kids, the cars and the annual vacation. And when a guy becomes used to that, the relationship does as well, and the mediocrity of life becomes a way of life.
We always hear about the husband getting bored with the marriage and walking away, but on the other hand, that is not always the case. Jack Nicholson was once quoted as noting that women meet a man that excites them and they are drawn to his daring, cavalier ways, so they immediately seize him and try to harness the raging bronco for the excitement and challenge of it and only when they have ridden all independence out of him and have won complete control are they happy. And then they say, “You are so boring. You used to be fun.”
Resentment and anger fester therein and as we leave the garden unattended, the weeds begin growing and choking off all healthy things. Communication shuts down and instead of working it out, one or both of them go looking elsewhere for the very thing they once treasured together. It’s around that time the covenant is broken and blame is laid at the foot of the exposed cheater.
That shouldn’t detract from all that led up to it, though. There is usually, I find, enough blame to share.
That’s my two bits. In short, I submit that cheating is a poor solution to a bigger problem, but I think it is rarely the fault of just one side of the marriage.
A friend that was divorced years ago told me that when her ex was found to have a girlfriend, she was only mildly surprised. Not because he was typically that way, not because all men are liars, but because she knew in her heart she had not put any effort into their relationship for years and he had been trying and trying and begging for her attention and affection. And although the right thing to do was to be upfront and separate as husband and wife, he cheated, got caught and paid the price.
“But maybe it didn’t have to happen at all,” she said, “if we’d have kept all the other promises we made to each other the day we got married.”
Ron Ciancutti is the Purchasing Manager for Cleveland Metroparks. He is not on Facebook, but he can be reached at rdc@clevelandmetroparks.com.
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I’m coming up on 15 years now and the only thing I know for sure is that a good marriage requires work. If both spouses aren’t willing to work at it then it isn’t going to survive.
I’d like more affection once in a while. My stay-at-home (with two young children) wife would like more rest once in a while. Instead of dwelling on the times when I’m not getting the attention though we make sure to take full advantage of the times when that attention is possible and that really does help keep the embers warm in the relationship.
I think you could get some angry female pushback on this one Ron but I don’t disagree with you. And, if you look at society, we treat the cheating man much more differently than we treat the cheating woman. And, we almost ignore the women who are the other half of the affairs with married men. There is certainly a double standard in play.
I was married to a wonderful woman for 34 years she passed away 5 years ago. Yes we worked hard at it and it worked. Now I’m engaged to a woman that was married for 20 plus years to a man that was unfaithful to her from the get go but she thought she could change him. She’s been divorced for 3 years. And the first thing we talked about when we finally went out was TRUST. My question is was there something (her) from their get go that happened and that I’m not aware of? What I know is she has a good job, goes to church, and raised great kids. So is there another side?
Actually I think there are three sides to every story, if only there was “a fly on the wall” that could talk…
I have never met my biological father but like Arnold, he had several children with his wife, and at least two others, myself included with someone else’s wives. At least Arnold supports his love children. My father does not even acknowledge my existence. Nonetheless I feel I chose him and my mother for the DNA that makes me who I am and what I am. I have done amazing things with my life, and made significant contributions to the world. I do not throw stones at these men because I owe my existence to a man with similar behavior. While my father lacks the fame, wealth, and power of these celebrities and political figures, he had more wealth, power, and charisma than the other red neck men in his one horse town. Women like my mother fed his ego and he fed her and her other children. Everyone except his wife got something out of it that they wanted, even if they did underestimate the price. My fathers wife sent him out in the middle of a storm to,”go collect the rent” My mother’s husband was out doing his thing, and left the pantry empty and the rent unpaid. i tell the simple version of my story as, “My father was the land lord and I was the rent.” I know my mother’s husband was no innocent by-stander, and from what I understand my biological fathers wife was cold, nagging, and shrewish. If she had just shown a little more compassion for my mother, maybe he would have been happy to stay home with her. Anyway I am no saint either, nor would I want to be. Except for my father’s wife, all of the other adults involved were all guilty of the same things; having sex for pleasure without taking adequate precautions. I came of age during the sexual revolution and never intended to only have one partner my whole life. Luckily I lived to tell the tale of my own indiscretions. Many of my generation did not, and they’re no less moral, just less fortunate. My main reason for commenting at all is to make the point that all of the finger pointing scandal mongers should take note of their own flaws, and trust me they have as many or more than everyone they enjoy throwing stones at, and very likely fewer virtues. Come on who wouldn’t want to do Arnold or Bill or the others if they had the opportunity? It really is a private matter between the individuals involved and i’m sorry but puritanical hypocrisy always offends me more than breeches of monogamy and fidelity. Many wonderful people do not practice either of these, nor do they claim to or want to and i am very fond of them.