The Grumpy Man’s New Rules

6. New cars will be equipped with a button that raises a sign that says, “Hang up and Drive.” This is written inverted so it can be seen in rearview mirrors and regular so it can pop up in the side window as you pass. When I get behind a slow-moving vehicle that is veering off the road and then pass to see someone looking down and punching numbers into their phone, I feel I should have the right to make a citizen’s arrest. “Hey man, what’s the charge?” I’ll say, “The charge is stupidity.” And I want one of those Looney Toons boxing gloves on an extendable arm things. Knock ‘em right out of their seat.

7. Text exchanges do not have to end like letters from summer camp. The ease that has been added to life by being able to leave a message and not talk on the phone is awesome, because I HATE talking on the phone. I love texting something like, “Meeting going late – home by 4 p.m.” The best response to such a text is “OK.” I love that, but no — that’s too easy, too rude, too inconsiderate. Instead of “OK,” my bride writes, “Why?” What does she mean by that? What does she mean “Why?” Because it is! You mean I have to write out an explanation? Just say OK, and I’ll explain it in person later! Now all the efficiency of the quick text is lost, see? By comparison, if she’s running late, she’ll text me and I will respond “OK” and she will write, “Don’t you want to know why?” How can I win with this? Gotta pass a law.

8. I also want a comprehensive ban on radio commercials that tell you that only the first 50 callers responding to this commercial will get the free sample or special price. People, you hear the same commercial on the same station multiple times every day, then you hear it on other stations. So the “first 50 caller” thing is a lie and should tell you about the credibility of the product that’s being advertised! Don’t be such a pinhead! Like the “Made for TV” product commercials that say, “Wait, we’ll include a second for FREE!” Have you noticed they then say, “… just pay extra shipping.” The extra shipping charges are enormous! Therefore, the real cost of the item is not reflected in what the flashing-on-the-screen price says.

Oh man – I look over the list and I see the kids may be right. But maybe not, because I think I have been thinking about things like this my whole life, not just as I cross into my 50s.

You don’t have to be a cranky old man to expect people to think and comprehend, right? So maybe I won’t get any new laws passed, but maybe I can at least influence the first lucky 50 readers who see this article …

Ron Ciancutti is the Purchasing Manager for Cleveland Metroparks. He is not on Facebook, but he can be reached at

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4 comments on “The Grumpy Man’s New Rules

  1. Nancy Sadowy on said:

    Thank you so much for that…I haven’t laughed that loud nor that hard since…wow forEVER!

    • armywife on said:

      Looks like I’m in seniorville with you I guess….but, you left out restaurant menu print size, loud “background music” on radio commericals, microparticle sized remote control buttons and people who ignore the “left lane is for passing rule” on the interstate!

  2. billy moore on said:

    Amen, Ron. Especially the products below the waist. I really have hated trying to explain to my kids E.D. and feminine itch.

  3. Ann Hendeson on said:

    Ron, Thank you for telling it like it is and saying the things in print the rest of us mumble under our breath. I was on a busy Interstate Wednesday and nearly every car in the passing lane that I had to go around in the right hand lane, had a driver texting or dialing a phone at the wheel.

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