Wait, There’s More! Infomercials for 2013

Most families have a humorous Christmas or holiday-themed tradition that’s better off remaining within the family unit than being shared: Uncle Jim’s hideous reindeer sweater, Grandma’s Brussels sprout cupcakes, your cousin’s tendency to re-gift tasteless presents without removing the original tag.

Here are some Christmas gifts that don’t exist, but should!

My family is no different. Our dirty secret is our love of infomercials.

By “we”, I mean my parents, who’ve never met a household gadget they waited until the end of an infomercial to order.

Inspired by the Turbo Cookers, Magic Bullets, and pet Snuggies of Christmases past, I’ve tried my hand at inventing a couple of gadgets I believe will make the world a happier, more productive place.

End of The World Analyzer

Since being born in the early 1970s, I’ve been fortunate to outwit the numerous threats to civilization that have promised to unravel and destroy humanity: Nostradamus’ July 1999 predictions, Y2K, the uncertainty created in a post-Twinkie world, and the pending 2012 Mayan Apocalypse.

If the sun rises on December 22nd, I’d like the assurance that I’m adequately prepared to face future end-of-the-world scenarios, starting with the oft-cited, imminently approaching zombie apocalypse.

The End of The World Analyzer would do this quickly, efficiently, and with a host of features that would make it worth the $19.95 shipping charge. Not only would your probability of survival in a variety of situations be revealed, but the analyzer would utilize GPS technology to suggest nearby canned good sales, the best underground bunker communities, and ideal spots for stashing your coffee cans full of cash.

But wait–there’s more, including free, laminated checklists for making sure you’ve stockpiled adequate rations, appropriate apocalypse attire, zombie first aid treatments, and an illustrated conversion chart of how many IKEA pieces are necessary to burn per hour to maintain the requisite bonfire.

The Creative Email Maker

Two weeks ago, my eighth-grade students implored me to create an email account where they could converse with me about assignments and other general school issues. Nearly 30 minutes later, we were still attempting to create a collective name that would be easily remembered by all, since the infinite number of random, Yahoo-generated versions of ‘MOrR8oT5W’ hardly seemed user-friendly.

To alleviate the frustration of future email creators (and in light of the pending apocalypse and numerous email users who will most likely not cancel their accounts following terms-of-service guidelines), a Creative Email Maker seems a sensible invention worth consideration.

No larger than a credit card, the user would input various nouns and verbs of personal interest for the gadget to configure and calculate meaningful email address options rather than the current methods–which result in a list of characters apparently created by a cat walking across a keyboard.

The Real News Browser

Inundated by the sheer number of articles and text chunks that have nothing more to do with news than apple trees have to do with growing bananas being pasted on news websites? The Real News browser would eliminate the temptation of clicking on links boasting “news” stories with titles such as “Celebrity Diet Tips From Stars Who Eat Only Celery” and “Honey Boo Boo Holiday Hair Extensions” by abolishing any links to non-news articles.

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